Three little words...

Wow.

I almost don't even know how to do this anymore. Do I make a new introduction or can I assume you still know who I am?

I've kind of lost my touch. Truth be known, writing brings me a lot of joy... but somewhere along the way I lost it.  If I'm honest with myself, I didn't really lose the joy for writing, I got frustrated that no one seemed to care what I was saying. My ego got in the way. I didn't get enough comments. Friends didn't share my words with others. The only real consistent encouragement I got was from my Momma (thanks, Mom)... but even then it felt more like she wanted to know what the kids were doing and less about what I was writing  (sorry, Mom).

So what brings me here, today?

Well.... to be specific....

Chaos.
Fear.
Uncertainty.
Faith.
Hope.
Love.

All these emotions I'm experiencing have no where else to go but into words.

I committed to reading the bible this year and I'm trying not to let the fact that I am heavily into the Old Testament be a dire sign that God is trying to wipe us clean for the giant mess we've created of this world. I'm sure some of you are feeling some of the same feelings I am. So let's figure out how to get through this together, shall we?

Chaos

Y'all. HEB looks like it was ransacked by some college kids needing a late night snack because they have a case of the munchies. (So I've been told - that is NOT from personal experience). Schools are closed. Conferences cancelled. Entire sports seasons have stopped. Chaos is the only way to describe it. And through so much chaos I can't help but feel a little...

Fear.

This is SCARY y'all. I have tried hiding my tears from my kiddos as best as I can because I don't want them to be scared. But I am SCARED. For my family. For my parents. For my friends. For strangers. Just scared. I need my momma, but I also want her to cover herself in bubble wrap coated in bleach and stay inside a closet for the next 8 weeks, so...there's that. There's also just so much

Uncertainty.

We basically know nothing. I mean, some people know some things, but we don't really KNOW anything.

And that got me thinking about Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Moses... can you imagine the chaos and fear and uncertainty each of them felt? Noah was told to build an ark with very specific dimensions and doing that kind of precise project makes me want to weep. Abraham was told he would be a dad at the ripe old age of 100. Joseph was nearly killed by his brothers. And, poor Moses spent 40 YEARS taking an a 11 day road trip to the promised land that HE NEVER GOT TO SEE.

Chaos.
Fear.
Uncertainty.

But through all of that, they had three things that are even more powerful...

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

Their faith guided them through their darkest hours. Their hope gave them reason to continue in times of chaos. And His love, well, His love is what carried them through... and that same love is what will sustain us today, tomorrow and the days after that.

Landry goes to camp...

Landry finished kindergarten on a Thursday and that next Sunday we packed her and Millie up and shipped them off to their FIRST OVER NIGHT CAMP.

What in the world? They are JUST BABIES!!

But she was more than ready to go - she had been talking about "Camp Carolina" for WEEKS, asking us daily when she got to leave. She was 1000 percent more ready to go than I was ready to let her leave. I mean, yes... #thirdkid but also the BABY.

We got her all signed in, and her smile never left her face. She was practically pushing us out of this room to get to her cabin. 

Campers are split up by age groups (K-4) and this year Landy was a zebra. 

As we were moving all her stuff in, we noticed a new little addition to the cabin - each camper was assigned a chore for the week. Millie and Landry hit the jackpot, y'all.  

She was especially excited that she got a top bunk since she sleeps on bottom at home. They tried to shove us out of there but we insisted on making them actually walk us outside. 

Emmy didn't want to let her go. 

But they were more than ready for the four days ahead!

I love that Carolina Creek uploads pictures each day, so we can stalk check in on all the fun the kids are having. She was all smiles that next morning... 

and throughout the entire week. Cindy and I would text back and forth when new pics were uploaded but both noticed that the girls weren't in any pictures together. This could mean:

1. They had a fight because it's Millie and Landry and they are more like cousin siblings than anything

2. They are comfortable in their friendship and did a great job of including other people

We went with option 2. 

And on the last day we finally got to see their smiling faces together!

By Wednesday morning we were ready to see our girls and got to camp just in time for cabin awards. Landry received the "kindness" award for including others, being kind, and making friends with everyone. 

::Mom heart explosion:: 

We couldn't have been more proud of this girl!

After cabin awards, we all made our way to the gym to get a glimpse of what a day at camp looks and feels like. Counselors do a skit, campers sing a song and you hear testimonies from campers - the whole thing just lights up every part of these kids faces. 

Plus, you get to run into your old counselors making your anticipation for when you get to come back THAT MUCH GREATER!

A few final pics...

and we were heading back home, a complete set of three once again. Radley was so excited and proud of Landry. I love how much he loves them.

Thanks, Carolina Creek.... see you in August!

Church with me...

One of the greatest gifts my parents ever gave to us was their support in our pursuit of Jesus. Not just at our own church events and services but anywhere we could find Him. Whether it was attending mass as a family, my brother going on a ski trip with his best-friend's baptist youth group, a Bethel Methodist weekend retreat or Sunday service with my bestie at her Assembly of God church. We knew Jesus. 

We knew Him through communion.

We knew Him through prayer.

We knew Him through worship songs with hands extended.

We knew Him kneeling before the stations of the cross.

We knew Him in confession.

We knew Him in tongues. (That may have been my favorite)

We knew Him in Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames.

We knew Him in RAs and GAs and Daisies.

We knew Him in CCD.

I could go on and on. The point is we knew Him. We were encouraged to know Him in any and all ways. I never once felt like I couldn't worship along my friends at their church. I event attempted to bring some of that "revival" to mass but I **may** have been shut down when I tried to clap during the Ave Maria. ;)

Not until I was in college did I start to focus on our differences in Christianity. I wasted time on dissecting what drove us apart rather than focusing on what brings us together. 

His body. 

His blood. 

His sacrifice. 

His grace. 

The Holy Trinity. 

I was able to attend a live taping of one of my favorite podcasts, Sinner Saint Sister this weekend. Allison, the host, brought an amazing group of women together to talk about how we stand united in Christ. Catholic, Protestant, non-denominational... there was a seat for all of us at this table. Just like there is a seat for all of us at His table. 

We heard from a variety of pastors and community members all challenging us with one idea - to leave that sacred space we created in unity. To bring light to our sameness instead of shining down on our differences. Because God wants us united through Him, with Him and in Him. 

As I thought about this, I thought about all those times I went to church with someone else and what an intimate moment that really is. To share your faith with another is sharing the most sacred parts of yourself... 

First Communion...

Emersyn got to experience a major first in her journey through the Catholic faith last weekend. After months of preparation and prayer, the time for her first communion had finally arrived. I was so proud of how well prepared she was for this sacred step in our faith. 

When people meet Emersyn, they are instantly struck by her beauty. That long hair and those deep brown eyes just pull people in; however, the beauty that lies within her far outshines any beauty she projects without.  She is whole heartedly kind. She sacrifices. She cares deeply. She sacrifices and puts herself last...especially for her baby sister. She works hard. And most importantly, she loves God.

They hold a complete dress rehearsal before the big day and I loved watching her silently prepare for what she was about to do - she gets really shy and serious... she deflects the attention at the biggest moments almost frightened that she may disappoint someone because she so badly wants to make others proud. In these moments is when we talk about Christ's love for all of us. How we have already gotten the only approval we ever need in Him. How even through the times we disappoint through actions and words, His grace was ours long ago. 

In the biggest of moments when most people want to be seen...she looks straight ahead... focusing on what matters. 

But no matter how hard she tries to blend in.... this sweet child of mine was absolutely born to stand out. ;) 

Bless. 

I love that she got to experience this big first with one of her first friends. Caleb has been in her life since she was a baby and I'm so proud of the big kids that they have become. 

The big day finally arrived and we were up and ready to celebrate with her early enough for some pre-church pictures. 

Of course Gigi and Pops were there...

we were all ready to walk right next to her in this next big step...

and she was ready, too!

I love that the first time she walked down the aisle in a beautiful white dress was to receive Him. I love that she knows what it feels like to be excited and nervous while trying to prepare for an important day that focuses on being closer to Him. I love that she wanted a little blush on her cheeks and curl in her hair. I love that she picked out high heels. I love that all of this time and energy was spent preparing for Him. Because in preparing to receive Him and recognize Him in what we do, we are then prepared to live a life that honors Him before any others. So when the time comes for her to walk down that aisle in another white dress, her foundation has been set. 

Catholicism is a mystery to most non-Catholics. We sit and stand and kneel in unison. Our songs of praise are more traditional and we seem to say the same things every week. But the reverence and respect that is intertwined in mass is beautifully holy. The same words have been spoken for 1000s of years. The same actions taken. Over and over again. 

I'm so honored to share this with them. 

If we do one thing in this journey of parenting, our hope is that we teach each of them how precious and holy His sacrifice is for us. 

And we are so lucky and grateful for the village that supports and shares in our journey of teaching the story of Christ to our kiddos. 

Regardless of where they go to church or how they choose to worship, our village is one unit in teaching Christ's story and showing His love. And that is most precious gift of all. 

I am so proud of this sacred first in her journey and I am eager to see all the firsts that are yet to come. 

Flowers and weeds...

The girls and I spent the Saturday morning before Easter working in our garden. The months of neglect left nothing more than dead tomatoes, dried up basil, a resilient rosemary and weeds. Tons and tons of weeds. As we were tilling up the dirt, cleaning out the dead leaves and pulling those weeds, Emersyn asked, "Mom... why do the weeds grow so fast?"

I didn't bother with a scientific answer because, frankly, I'm not sure. Instead, I used the quiet moment of the three of us together, filling our finger nails with dirt, knee deep in literal weeds to hopefully teach a lesson. 

I explained that the weeds are like sin... creeping in to take over the good parts of us. Flowers and gardens are harder to grow because they need attention and care - they need light and water and fertilizer to bear fruit. 

Just like us. 

We need His light. 

We need to be baptized in His water. 

Her need his Word to fill us and help us grow. 

I told them that we get to choose what we want to be.... 

A weed. Or a flower. 

Telling lies is easy.

Not standing up for someone is simple. 

Disobeying is in our nature.

Those are all the weeds. The weeds can take over quickly if we let them. If we ignore the truth. If we don't stand up for someone. If we do what we want instead of what we are asked... the weeds creep in. 

"But some weeds are pretty, Mommy... are they bad, too?"

And I looked at her sweet face smudged with dirt and said that yes... we can be deceived by beauty. The enemy puts beautiful things right in front of us to trick us but we have to look around that distraction and focus on what God tells us to do. 

And He tells us to keep pulling those weeds...making sure to grab them by root to make room for the flowers that are waiting to sprout. 

Taking notes...

A couple of years ago I got in the habit of taking notes in church. If we're honest, it was a last ditch effort for me to actually pay attention instead of zoning out and thinking all the thoughts I had that were completely unrelated to the word of God.

You know...

Holy cow, why is that kid screaming?
Does she know her shirt is untucked in the back?
How is she so skinny - she has seven kids?!?!
How much longer is he going to talk?
Where should we eat for lunch?
Do the kids have Sunday school today?
What do we need from Target?

Clearly, Jesus things.

So, I made a commitment to taking notes and once again, I have discovered that when I make a commitment to Him, He outdoes Himself with his commitment to ME. It's like in college - the more I paid attention in class (or even just attended) the better my grades were - and while we don't get graded in life, the more I take notes, the more I understand, the better I live out the word. I invest in Him and not surprisingly, He invests right back in me.

As Emersyn has gotten older she, too, has requested a "journal" for church once again reminding me that she is watching. She pays attention to what I write down and sometimes she copies me word for word and then sometimes she writes her own interpretation of mass. She asks me questions and wants to know what I wrote down. She draws pictures and tries to get Landry to do the same. 

She is taking notes. 

Her relationship with Christ is lead by relationship with Christ. Just as mine was impacted by my parents. My faith has guided me through grief, forgiveness, pain and sadness -  because of my faith I try to turn the question of "why me" into "why not me" during those moments of hard that jump in-between the moments of mundane. My prayer is that her faith (along with her siblings) will do the same - jump up in the mundane and guide through the moments of hard.

Because she is taking notes. 

When I listen.

When I ignore.

When I write down the word.

When I pray out loud. 

When I praise Him.

When I trust Him.

And all the times I don't.

I decided to take notes to help me pay attention in church without realizing that she would be paying attention to me. 

She is taking notes, so I better make sure that my actions are noteworthy. 

Silence...

If you have met me for more than 2.5 seconds, then you know I am a talker. If you've known me for more than 2.5 minutes then you also know I am a doer. I can't stand to sit still - even on my days "off". If I have a day of nothing but watching tv then it's because I have literally planned it and written down that all I will do is "relax" because then it's just an item I can check from my list. 

#mercy #evenIsoundcrazytomyself #judgeaway

In the past week I have sat with so many of you and just watched the devastation of Harvey. I have checked in with all my people from Houston and surrounding areas and been forced to be miles away as some of them lost everything offering nothing more than a well timed gif and virtual glass of shared wine. (Don't worry about them, they had plenty of alcohol to ease their pain because if we learned anything in college, it was how to drink.) (Just kidding, Mom... I learned that in high school.) 

(See, never at a loss for words.)

The most paralyzing part of all of this disaster is not being able to do anything that I feel is of real significance to help.  Two years ago I shared the lessons from Katrina I learned while serving as a volunteer coordinator on our campus. And as hard as that was, as exhausted as we were... we still felt like we could do something. 

And I know that I can do things. I can donate my talents, treasure and time and I will, but for now.... silence. 

And you know what? That's ok. 

I'm sure many of you feel the same... at a loss. Not sure of what to do right now in this moment. And what we can and need to do right now in this moment... is exactly what we are doing. Living. Praying. Being. Our world must continue to turn so that our friends and victims of Harvey can get their world spinning again.

What I've found is that if I sit in silence long enough, I do begin to hear something. This morning as I prayed for those friends and strangers ... my fellow Texans... the lyrics of this Mercy Me song began to ring in my ears... 

I’m finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it’s OK

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what You would say

New York Times/ Photograph by David J. Phillip / AP

Oh word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see Your majesty

To be still and know

That You’re in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness

Word of God speak

ABC News/Photograph by David J. Phillip / AP

I’m finding myself in the midst of You

Beyond the music, beyond the noise

All that I need is to be with You

And in the quiet hear You voice

Source

Word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see Your majesty

To be still and know

That You’re in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness

Time

I’m finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it’s OK

It's okay to sit in the silence of His word. His presence is felt in the volunteers, in the donations, and even in our uncertainty. 

Mercies in disguise...

These lyrics by Laura Story have so much truth that it hurts... 

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

What if? 

What if each trial is a means of walking closer to Him? 

That's crazy, right? I mean, how can that be? Isn't God our protector and provider? Isn't He our light and our way? Isn't he our "good good father?"

Yes. He is all of those things but how often do we really cry out to Him when we are grateful and thankful? Beyond the "Dear God, thank you for..." prayers that we say. How often do we weep in gratitude to Him?

Honestly? Almost never do I weep from gratefulness even though I regularly tell my children to "be GRATEFUL DAMNIT!" 

Because, I'm the world's best mom. That's why.

So God can be and is ALL of those things and life can still sometimes suck. He isn't out to get us or deceive us, He's out to strengthen us and is begging us to trust Him. Even when the outcome isn't great. Actually, ESPECIALLY when the outcome isn't great. 

Dad went to the ER a couple of times for what he thought was pains from a hernia. Turns out it wasn't but the doctors weren't satisfied with just telling him nothing was wrong. So they took some scans and found a small mass on his kidney... something unrelated to what his pains indicated. 

God's mercy in disguise. They discovered this tumor because of an unrelated pain. God wanted Dad in that ER so we could face the next trial. 

We have two kidneys, right? Except Dad has only one functioning kidney and the mass was on the good one. Because of course it was. His doctor referred him to a local urologist and Mom sent me a text one afternoon, "appointment with Dr. Stewart on Friday."

Hold the phone.

"Dr. STEWART? That's Tyler's dad!!!"

God's mercy in disguise. 

I know Dr. Stewart. I adore him, actually. He and his wife raised one of the best kids I've had the opportunity to "lead" in my work - even if he was a Lorena Leopard. The Stewart's are amazing, kind, God-fearing people and all of us were able to relax just a little. Because we were in good hands and clearly still in God's hands. 

So Dr. Stewart did some scans and other medical type things and determined that Dad would definitely need surgery to remove the mass. He didn't like the way it looked and wanted it out and while he could do the surgery, he referred Dad to the guy that he would have wanted operating on him. 

The appointment was made, the surgery was scheduled and we all waited. That part sucks. The waiting. But the waiting is just another opportunity to weep in gratitude. We had no idea if the mass was cancerous, we all just wanted it gone. But we all prayed for this procedure that was going to remove part of his only working kidney to work but even more, that his kidney would still function. Dad wants to avoid dialysis at all costs. 

Last week we all made the trek to Dallas. We were the loud, obnoxious, crazy crew in the waiting room for eight hours. We waited and prayed and delighted in the right now. Dad's surgeon emerged and said some stuff and we were still waiting for four words... 

"The kidney is working."

Undisguised mercy. We didn't have to go looking for His gift - He sent it freely in those words. 

Dad's not completely out of the woods. The little kidney that could still needs to keep on keeping on, but his doctor is pleased and that gives us confidence. He still has one cyst that we need to watch but...  we still have him. And will for a long long time. And he has us and most certainly my momma, a woman that was born to take care of others. I honestly don't know how she does it (and that's not an invitation to find out, sweet Jesus) but she manages to keep moving along like that kidney. Working through the good and the bad, cleaning out all the crap and making us all feel good as new. 

His work has never been disguised in her - so thanks, Momma. 

First communion...

Sunday came bright and EARLY after a long (and extremely AWESOME) Saturday, but these three were still all smiles and so excited for the big day ahead. I love how excited that the girls have been about Radley's big day at church (even if Emmy was a bit confused). 

Gigi and Pops were obviously there to celebrate... 

and We5Kings couldn't have been prouder of our big kid. 

He has seriously grown not just physically, but has really become a great big kid. He is thoughtful, he is kind, he is inquisitive. He says the best prayers - he includes God in his thoughts and he asks for His presence in his life. He is such a joy to raise and we are so honored to be his parents. 

We arrive at church in time to snap some pics before grabbing our seats (because we needed two rows) and dropping him off. 

Since mass is a sacred ritual, they asked parents to refrain from pictures and I was so upset. BUT they asked for one volunteer to take pictures so parents could still have memories of the morning and not be a huge distraction throughout. I happily offered my meager skills and ended up being so nervous! I couldn't use flash and as much as I try to use manual settings, I'm just not very skilled, but I did manage to capture some memories of the morning. 

After the Gospel, Father gave perhaps his best homily I have heard. He asked the children what their favorite picture of themselves has been - to really think about that picture and what made that moment so special. He then shared his favorite picture and I think every person in church figured it would be a picture of him at his first communion. We were wrong - he pulled out a picture of himself with Mother Teresa. 

Y'all.

I just teared up at the beauty of it. Catholic or not, you can't deny the beauty that this woman represents in her love for Christ. And he met her. He spent time with her. GAH! I can't even imagine. 

He challenged us all to live our lives filled with Christ - and that when you do, your love will glow from within. You will spread joy to others. You will also grow with Jesus and in that growth become His hands and feet, heart and soul and a shepard of His works. 

I, selfishly, loved the front row seat into their experience. They all took this morning so seriously and being able to capture these moments (even if a bit grainy) was such an honor. 

Being Catholic can be frustrating - I will be the first to admit that my beliefs are challenged and I get frustrated with how unwelcoming we can seem. But I could never deny the beauty and holiness in our practice of worship. The reverence of kneeling and the recognition of His sacrifice for us. 

I loved seeing them unprompted clasp hands and recite the Our Father and prepare for what comes next. 

They did have a professional photographer on hand to capture the kiddos taking communion, so I was stationed at the challis as they accepted the wine. Radley **maybe** got a splash on his lips but he definitely avoided taking any drink - and I understand. I was in college before I did this weekly. 

We ended the morning with a sweet reception hosted by our Women's Guild. Father came by between masses to offer his congrats and take pics with the kiddos. 

We are so lucky to have so many people love and support the kids on these special occasions. Both of Radley's godparents were there, Cristina and Kailyn, the Munsons and even Jenni and Karli made the early morning drive to celebrate. Now that's love. 

Such a special day for him.

And no better way to celebrate than over delicious food with the best framily around.