Tiny Tales Thursday...

I'm gonna veer off course a bit and tell a tale about.... well... me.

I actually don't even know where to begin. I guess it started on September 6, 2007 when my life changed forever. In that moment, I knew that I had to live "better." With more meaning and effort.

Then life really changed on December 1 or 2, 2007 - that was the day that my maternity leaved ended and I had to leave my sweet Radley and go to work. Around 9am I thought for the first of about 1 million times, "WHAT am I doing? WHY am I at work?"

I told myself all the reasons that I chose (and still do) to "work outside the home".
1. I love my job
2. I make a difference
3. I went to school (twice) to do this job
4. I am a better mom because I work

And I believe every single one of those statements.

But. It still isn't any easier.

Ever hear the phrase "working Dad"? No? Oh, that's because men just get to be "Dad" - with no adjective in front. Women, on the other hand, are put in one of MANY categories...

1. Stay-at-home Mom
2. Work-at-home Mom
3. Working Mom

Why can't we just be "Mom"?

It's crazy.

Over the past 5.5 years I have had several conversations with myself (and many of you) about what I want and need for my life. I battle with myself until I feel like I am at war.

I just want to be successful.

At home and at work.

But the truth is - it's darn near impossible. When I'm at work I am thinking about home. Whether it's a party, a birthday, grocery lists, any number of holidays or special occasions, a sick kid, a tired husband... my brain is wandering.

And then when I'm at home, and "need" to be at work, my brain is on overdrive and the panic attack is creeping in.

And, I've had it.

I owe my family more. And me... I owe myself a break.

Women are our own worst critiques. And it has to stop.

We have to quit apologizing, quit saying "it's fine", START asking for help, and understand that we are all in this together.

So.

That's what I did.

And as of June 1, I am now on a 3/4 time, 10 month contract at work. I know. This is HUGE.

And amazing. And I am ever so grateful for it.

For this time at home. Focusing on my family. And quite frankly, focusing on me. (I know, I said it).

The great part is - I am home. I can go to the grocery store on Monday mornings. I will pick Radley up from school in the fall. I can sit and do nothing in the middle of the day.

The part that stinks - is that we have to pay for daycare no matter what if we want to keep the girls' spots for next year. And, Radley opted for a summer of field trips over 8 weeks with Mom.

Which means, I have been given a gift of time. Time to myself. Time to regroup. Time to refresh. Time to replenish. Time to relax. Time to rejoice. And reflect.

(wow - there are a lot of "re" words).

And I am.

So - if your instagram becomes clogged with DIY projects, messy faced kids, random work out pictures of me dying at my attempt to get back in shape - you know why.

Grateful for this stop in our fairy tale. Looking forward to the stories I will be able to create with this gift of time.