Saturday was a mess. A great big mess. But, like any mess, we cleaned up each spill (and there were lots) and finished the day feeling good. The day was going to be long - Radley's school had a fun run, followed by his soccer game, the usual Saturday activities and then Ryan and I were going out with some friends. I wasn't sure I was going to make it to the end.
Before we left for the fun run, we had a small incident with a misplaced jacket. A jacket a certain 7-year old SWORE he didn't lose. A jacket that couldn't be found, even after he "looked EVERYWHERE!!!" At a glance, this seems like a small problem. A blip on the spectrum of things you face as a parent. And it was. Except that he has lost said jacket 8530 times, and I was kind of tired of finding it.
I would like to say that I handled this calmly, but I would be lying. And this blog is about honesty. Instead I said, "Radley. When it is 12 degrees outside, I am sending you to school in a tank top and then I imagine you'll figure out where the jacket is."
It was at the bottom of his backpack. Where he swore he looked and has no idea how I found it there.
So we drove to school and talked about doing our best - even when it comes to small things like looking for a jacket. And then I prayed out loud in the car - the passive aggressive "Mommy is trying to prove a point" kind. (Because that's helpful.)
By the time we got there, we were all smiles.
The kids lined up to race by grades, so Rad and his crew were in the back.
Sage and Bethany were all smiles before the big 1K.
;)
And first grade was off!
Radley finished strong...
and got his finisher's medal!
The day was looking up.
Until, the 5K.
The race started well enough - the big kids really wanted to run, so we let them, but we told them to stay together and to meet us at the maroon arch when they were done. They were off and ahead and we walked behind with the littles.
At one point, Jenna and I headed back the opposite direction to meet the big kids and finish the race. We came across Jackson, then Carlos, then Kayla...
No Rad.
Which was odd. They all assured me that he was ahead and I was sure I never ran into him.
I began to panic.
Really panic. I called Ryan he didn't answer.
I called back. No answer.
I finally got a hold of him and he hadn't seen Radley either.
I began running.
Finally my phone rang - Ryan was told Radley had finished and was waiting for us.
He couldn't have finished. I had seen every runner - and ran almost 1.5 miles looking for him. Holding my camera. (I was so happy about this.)
So, I ran back to the school, where my kid was waiting.
I was overcome with a mixture of relief and anger. I was obviously happy he was ok, but so confused why he wasn't with the group.
(The group that he was supposed to stay with.)
He gave us a story about how people told him to turn down a street that they didn't tell anyone else to turn down and he was confused. We weren't really buying it, because he's never been good at lying. Turns out that he was frustrated that he couldn't keep up with one friend but was faster than another friend and didn't want to have to slow down. So he just turned down the street to the school. At the end of it, he was sad that he didn't finish like his friends. He cried and wanted to do it again, but we explained that he missed his chance. And it kind of stinks to see your kid so disappointed in himself. Tear streaked face, realizing that he gave up for one reason or the other. And those lessons are important to learn, but hard to watch.
We got in the car and headed to the soccer game. Talking and praying again about doing our best and what that means. That it doesn't make us the smartest, the fastest, the greatest... that it just means never giving up. Working hard. Doing what we know how to do.
And I'd like to say that he got it. That he took it all to heart. But, turns out... Radley doesn't like not BEING the best. And at the age of 7, his way of dealing with it is by giving up. By shutting down. By avoiding it. So, the only shot we have of him from Saturday is in this picture.
Because there is a boy on his team that plays better than him. And Radley's not used to it. And he gave up. He was tired, he was hungry and he was mad. And he gave up. And, well, when your Daddy's the coach and you give up, you sit out. The entire game.
And it leads me to think about all the tear streaked faces I have endured in my life. When I have cried. When I have given up. When I have been disappointed in myself. When I could have tried harder. When I didn't do my best.
And I think about who never gives up on me and how thankful I am that He is with me. That God loves me and believes in me even when I don't love or believe in myself. When I think that there is no one in the world worse at being a wife/daughter/mother/sister/friend than me, He sees me at my best.
I do.
I always will.
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